i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
