Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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