Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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