i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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