This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
