I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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