mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
only you would photoshop your dick
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
