well I can't set my house on fire every night
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm too high and old for this...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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