You just made me feel so damn special
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
