We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
