I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
