im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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