We need to start having sex underwater more often.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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