I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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