i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You took a bar mat shot.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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