When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
