I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
