margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
