I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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