Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
