just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
