Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
