I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
