Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
