giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
