I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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