five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Randomize
