OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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