Princesses don't give blow jobs
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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