My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
