rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
