Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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