im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
