I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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