I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
