The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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