i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
