Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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