he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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