I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
