she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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