If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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