I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
