he wants to bone in the snuggie
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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