**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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