Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
