Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't deserve a penis
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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