I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
