He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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