Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
