Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
