Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
