She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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