I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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