we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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