I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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