No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
