Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
