I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
