Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She bit a glass in half.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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