I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
