Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
