3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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