my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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