Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
