last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
